Day 2: To Resolution or Not to Resolution

For Day 2 of my January blogging challenge, I’ve been tasked with talking about New Year’s Resolutions. I kinda touched on this already on the way out the door of 2018, but let’s take a deeper look at the nature of resolutions. Are they right for you?

Why Do This To Ourselves?

Historically, new year’s resolutions can be traced back to the Babylonians who were trying to get right with their gods (even though the calendar wasn’t quite the same then and they were setting new goals with the spring equinox). Once the ancient Romans worked out the Julian calendar, it all fell more in line with our current practices. So, we can thank good ol’ Caesar for perpetuating the shame cycle.

At this point, it’s a tradition, a global phenomenon even. However, the problem with resolutions, as I see it, is that we usually set ourselves up for pretty spectacular failure. We want to lose weight, quit smoking (or some other bad habit), start a new job, blah blah blah, and then we don’t give ourselves the necessary action items to get there.

To succeed with resolutions, we really need to be more concrete in our plans and expectations. Yesterday’s blogging challenge actually delved into how to set SMART goals, so if you’re not familiar with ways to actually be successful in your goal setting, go check that out. It works for every kind of goal you might be after, not just the “new year, new you” ones.

The Un-Resolution

In order to have a better 2019, I actually created a list of lessons I learned from 2018 that I want to make sure I apply to my life throughout the coming year (and beyond, of course). I’m tired of saying I’ll lose weight or drink less coffee — hah!! — because I’mma eat that bread if I want it and lawd knows my students want me to have that coffee.

For me, however, 2018 was pretty brutal. As part of my ongoing professional therapy process, I figured the healthier thing to do would be to give myself something that I knew I could succeed at. I don’t see the point in traditional resolutions I know I’ll struggle to keep. Besides, I have enough disappointment in myself, thanks.

So, here’s what I came up with to keep my life moving in a healthy direction:

1. Anxiety sucks. The shakes suck. Panic attacks suck. Worrying sucks. It’s all fear, which also sucks. Abandonment. Failure. The future. Ugh. Know what? Doesn’t matter. People come and go. Appreciate them while they’re here and love them enough to let them leave if that’s what they want. Failure happens. Accept it and learn from it. The future? Can’t do anything about that in the present except work towards what you want. Stop freaking out about where you think you should be going and appreciate where you’re at (and what you went through to get here). Get professional help if you need it.
2. Control is an illusion. There ain’t a thing in this world you can control outside of yourself. Stop trying. Don’t manipulate a conversation, situation, or person to try and make things what I want them to be. Save your energy for healthier things.
3. Boundaries. Have ’em. Respect others’. Don’t waiver on yours and sacrifice your health. Don’t test others’ and make a hot mess. That’s a jacked-up way to live and it’s not fair to anyone.
4. Real talk. Have it with yourself often. Don’t let others BS you and don’t BS yourself. No one’s living their best, most beautiful life covered in poop and lies.
5. Own your actions and your words. Sincerely apologize for both/either whenever necessary. Make a real plan to change the behavior so it doesn’t happen again. You can’t say you love someone you’re not willing to do that for.
6. Timetables. Just because I move faster, obsess longer, push harder doesn’t mean anyone else does or should. We’ve all got our own timing, and we’ve all got our own reasons for that. Essentially, we’re all out here trying to do the best we can. If someone’s timetable doesn’t work with mine, then I a) need to recognize I can’t and won’t control that and b) can make the choice to wait or go, thanking them for their time in my life.
7. Be honest. Always and completely. Only person you hurt in the end when you’re not is yourself. Lying is selfish.
8. But why? Cry me a river. I’ve lived my whole life determined to know the whys and hows of every little thing. I thought I couldn’t treat the symptom if I didn’t understand the disease. In medicine? Sure. That’s pretty darn useful. But in personal growth? Meh. What’s my problem right now? How do I fix that? Sometimes, you can just treat the symptom. “Work the problem,” as my sage BFF would say. If I stumble across the why in the middle of that, then bonus.

Resolutions: Feeling ‘Em?

Obviously, this is a totally subjective question. Some people think they’re fun, while others loathe them. Some people look at them as opportunities, while others see them as inevitable pitfalls.

If you want to play along but the old fashioned disappointment doesn’t sound so great to you, I’d like to offer you an alternative that I think is pretty healthy. My BFF had a cool idea, and I’ve since seen it blow up on social media as the “Word of the Year for 2019.” Instead of making specific resolutions you may or may not keep, pick a word or words to apply to all areas of your life. He decided on productivity and proactiveness. I thought that was pretty clever because it’s a way to really change all kinds of things about your everyday world. These two simple words have the power to turn into major action items, and that’s the important thing. Understanding how we’re going to accomplish tasks is really the only way to get them done. Otherwise, we’re all just dreamers.

In addition to making lists of lessons you want to carry forward or choosing words that you want to use to get your life in order, there’s also a big trend towards choosing to commit to someone or something other than yourself. Instead of focusing on changing something about you, how about changing something about the world you live in? Why not get out and do something about the homeless population in your city? Or perhaps you could help out at the local animal shelter. What about reading to kids in the public libraries? You get the idea.

Should We Even Make Them?

There’s a lot of research out there on whether or not we should even set these resolutions for ourselves. (Honestly, the word is kinda cringe-worthy, don’t you think?)

In Psychology Today, there’s a short article from 2016 that really speaks to the pros and cons of setting resolutions at the new year. You should check it out if you’re on the fence. There’s also a look at the importance of setting achievable goals but how sometimes new year’s isn’t always the best timing. Pretty cool stuff.

Be Kind to Yourself

No matter what you decide is the right path for you, I hope that you’ll give yourself goals that you can attain and ways to get there that are healthy and realistic. Don’t set yourself up for failure or waste money and time you don’t really have. If you fall short in the end, don’t beat yourself up. This world needs more kindness, and that includes being kind to ourselves.

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