Day 5: Letter to Myself

Today’s challenge is to write a letter to myself explaining to future me where I’ll be in a year. It’s kinda like a written vision board.

What’s cool about today’s challenge is that I actually do a similar assignment like this with my students every year. They have certain prompts that they respond to, but the letter is a composition all their own. We seal them in envelopes and I lock them in a filing cabinet. They basically forget about them, and then I give them back out on the last day of school.

The kids will leave themselves all kinds of neat things in these letters, too. Sometimes, they’ll leave themselves money and forget about it and be all excited to fill their gas tanks that weekend. Some kids get friends and family members to write them well-wishes and we’ll put those in the envelopes to. They’re not allowed to read them until the end of the year, and it’s always a really special treat.

It can get emotional, though. Trying to envision who you’ll be in a year when you don’t know what you’ll face is a pretty creative task. It’s always great to discuss whether they’ve reached their goals or if they still feel the same way about life. It can be sad to read letters from grandparents who leave us in the middle of the year. I’ve dried tears as girls read letters from their boyfriends who’ve since broken up with them.

But all in all, it’s a beautiful moment, and the kids are always amazed at how they’ve handled challenges, how much they’ve grown as people, and what they’re capable of when they work hard.

Now It’s My Turn

I actually completed this assignment with them a few years ago to see what it was like to get that letter back. You totally forget what you’ve left yourself after all that time, so as you’re reading about your dreams and goals, it’s always neat to see what you’ve made happen and how you’ve grown as a person.

That’s the goal here. It’s a new year. And there are a lot of people doing that whole “new year, new me” thing, but I’d argue the more loving approach is “new year, growing me.” I don’t think we should reinvent ourselves every year. That sounds hard. Sounds like failure, actually. But I do believe that we can and should always be looking at our lives for ways to be better, kinder people.

Dear Kid,

It’s been a rough few years. They haven’t done you many favors, but hey, you’re still standing, so that’s something. Not everyone gets to say that. Not everyone gets to a place where they’re facing their old wounds and conquering their demons. Be proud. You’re killing it. Even your therapist says so, and she’s a professional. Listen to her.

And while your work isn’t done, let’s be honest. It’ll never be done. But that’s okay. That’s why it’s called a growth process, right? Imagine yourself a year from now if you keep working this hard. Think of all the things you’ll have sorted and the beautiful life you’ll have created for yourself, the beautiful person who’ll have emerged from the ashes.

She’s pretty great and you don’t give her enough credit. Work on that more this year. She’s smart, funny, compassionate, loyal, fierce, talented, and beautiful. Stop being so hard on her. She’s working as fast and hard as she can to crush her goals and she’s gained amazing ground in a short time.

While you’re pushing hard, though, don’t forget to give her space. Let her breathe a little. Don’t let her stay in her head too much. You know how loud the chaos gets up there for her sometimes. Be gentle with her. You’ve got time.

Get her back into doing yoga. That was really good stuff. Remember how great that felt? Keep drinking that water. Add more even. You need to get her cooking more at the house, too. Don’t forget how much she loves that and how good at it she can be.

Start working out again. You loved lifting the heavy things. I know you put them down when life itself was too much to carry, but you’re past that now. Dust those dumbbells off for her.

Keep reminding her that she doesn’t always have to be moving, running, chasing. That’s where the obsessions come from. You’ve come a long way in quieting that all down, but let’s keep going. I’m proud of you for learning how to just be still, for being able to sit in silence for a change and not feel like you’re losing your mind. Think about how great that mental space feels when you start to feel sideways. Like your BFF says, “Just work the problem.”

And hey, little codependent one, remember that it’s not your circus and those aren’t your monkeys. Don’t hide from your journey in other people’s nonsense. You’re not their keeper. And you’re certainly not going to be able to control their actions, words, or situations. Did they ask you for advice? No? Shut your face, then. Just because you see how it all fits together doesn’t mean they’ve caught up yet.

Read more. Read what your therapist gives you for homework and keep working the problem. Be the turtles you love so much. Slow and steady wins the race. Stay positive and determined, but maintain some realism. Don’t be mad at yourself if it takes longer than you wanted it to. Your expectations are pretty high there sometimes.

Don’t be mad at others when they drag their feet and don’t make progress like they should. You don’t know their story and couldn’t change it if you did. If they’re just being lazy, then that’s another adventure altogether. Sort the difference and then make the best choices for your health as to whether or not you wait for them to get moving.

Stop expecting other people to love like you love. You’re an anomaly in that regard, for better or for worse. Be careful with trust. Continue to keep your circle small and save her the grief she’s known …and caused.

While you’re at it, stop expecting love to fix everything. Granted, it absolutely should, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to learn that you’re in a minority of people who feel that way about it. I know that’s something you’re still learning how to accept because it completely confuses you that there are actually folks out there who would intentionally deny love to their people. Accept that this is their fear, not your worth.

Say that one again for the cheap seats. When you’re denied the love you deserve, both just because and in return for what you’ve shown others, remember it’s not your worth that determines if you’ll get it. It’s their character. They’re frozen in their fears. It’s their struggle for whatever reasons. You want them to respect your process and your flaws in that process? It works both ways, sweet one.

Forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve failed. Because real talk, you probably didn’t. It’s probably nowhere near as bad as you’ve overthought it to be, and it was probably totally out of your control.

Protect your heart more. Your expectations can often be too high unfortunately, particularly in others. Just because you struggle every day not to let yourself or your tribe down doesn’t mean that they wake up doing the same. Just because you’ve made someone the center of your world doesn’t mean they’ve returned the favor. Pay attention to that.

Actions and words. Always. Be kind to others, but say the things you need to say and mean them. Think before you say them so that you don’t have to offer clarification or apologies in the end. Own your truth and don’t be afraid to set boundaries with others to protect that truth, your value, and your health. Act accordingly.

No matter what this year, I want you to really embrace the fact that you can’t change people. You’ve finally realized that you’ve got no control there, and that’s huge. I’m so proud of you for that. But think about her. A year from now. Do the things that she needs you to do to give her the chance to truly be free from holding herself to goals she’ll never reach and shouldn’t be trying to attain.

Circus. Monkeys. Repeat.

I love you. You can do this, kid.

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