How to Stop Overthinking and Driving Yourself Crazy

“But, what if…?” It’s the kiss of death for your mental health, especially if you’re an overthinker who’s been mentally and emotionally beaten down. For me, I wanted to know why the person who promised to be my world was so delighted to hurt me. And I wanted to know what I’d done to “deserve” it. Why wasn’t I enough, and, mostly, what the hell just happened?

Sadly, many of us won’t get that closure. And let’s be real — if you had the chance to ask the questions, would you trust the answers? When you’re coming out of a toxic relationship (of any kind) with someone who’s deliberately spun a web of lies to keep you constantly guessing your situation and even your own worth, how could you?!

Now I’ve got you overthinking how that conversation would go, don’t I?

Hopefully, you know that trying to have that conversation is pointless. There’s no reason to invite that psychopath back into your world and give them another shot to tear you down, which they’ll treasure. You don’t need that crap.

Overthinking, in general, is exhausting. If you’re a general overthinker, lying in bed at night obsessing about the day staring at the clock like, “If I can just fall asleep in four minutes….,” then please check out these life hacks.

If you’re specifically looking to shut down that post-relationship headspace, stick around.

How do you turn off the “what ifs?” so that you can move on and rebuild?

Getting the ghosts-of-relationships-past out of your head is a different beast than just worrying about tomorrow’s to-do list.

When you’re trying to detox from a toxic relationship, particularly one in which you were lied to, gaslighted, devalued, stripped down, and left to feel insane and unworthy, the voice in your head isn’t even yours anymore, and it doesn’t just go away. Because of the emotional abuse and the trauma bonding, the “redirect” methods for general overthinking will only get you so far.

There’s no hard science to shutting down your what-ifs and self-doubt, but over my healing journey and from researching methods that others have shared, I’ve picked up a successful trick or two to get it a little quieter up there.

1) Get mad, like, really $%#^ mad.

Sounds childish, but until you can have no feelings about it at all, you’ve got to reassign your emotions attached to that person.

Do you continually replay the hurtful conversations in your head? Do you see them belittling you and making sure that you’re left in pain?

When we first get out of a relationship with people like that, we’re trying to figure out what we did to deserve being treated that way. Fact: 10 times out of 10, even if you did something “wrong,” you don’t deserve to have someone screaming obscenities at you and tearing apart your self-worth.

So now you’re programmed. You hear that voice and it makes you feel sad and small and worthless all over again.

To stop hearing that monster’s voice in my head and stop feeling undeserved shame and guilt or sadness about the “what if?,” I started reminding myself that all of his words, his tone, and even his timing and delivery were deliberately chosen to hurt me and manipulate me.

Even the “sweet” things that I’d hung onto for hope look like a setup now.

Getting mad instead of sappy isn’t instant, and some days I still wish I had answers, but over time, when those horrific scenes creep into my head, instead of wishing I’d have figured out the “right” thing to do (newsflash, there isn’t one) or feeling sad that the good things died (not that I trust them to be genuine anymore, anyway), I mentally hand his bullshit back to him:

• I do not accept your distorted worldview as my own.
• Your emotional response to a situation is not my responsibility.
• It is not my job to keep you emotionally comfortable by sacrificing everything I am as an individual.

When I remember him screaming insults at me like a little child — a grown man completely incapable of processing real emotion, admitting his faults (without an ulterior motive in doing so), or treating people with any kind of decency, since we’re all so simple and beneath him — I hijack the image of myself being torn to shreds, crying and hurting and begging him to love me like he promised, and I turn the memory-of-me into a pissed-off banshee.

This is my headspace. You do not get to talk to me like that anymore.

And I add a lot of adult language in there to really amp me up. And I have every right to be mad. This pathetic human being destroyed me (and others) to try and make himself feel better. I loved him so much that I unintentionally gave him all the tools and access to do so, too.

But really… Who does that to someone they “love?” You don’t treat people you love like I was treated. Hell, you don’t even treat people you just kinda like like that.

Through getting furious and putting the responsibility back on him, I’ve been able to reclaim my mental and emotional energy. Even over a year later, he’ll pop in there sometimes, and I have those what-ifs circle back, because I do still wish I knew how someone could be such a completely horrific human being, but now the what-ifs are just that: questions shrouded in apathy. My righteous anger gave me my life, my happiness, my self-worth, and my peace back.

And then I worked on forgiving myself for staying in this toxic relationship for so long with that narcissistic man-child. Forgiving yourself is the ultimate send off to your abuser. When you reach that place where you love yourself and you know better than what they programmed you to think about yourself and they can’t get to you anymore — it’s pure freedom.

2) Hard reclaims.

Unlike training yourself to be mad when you’re sad and hurt, hard reclaims are, in their own ways, physically easier. It takes a LOT of mental energy to override years of negative programming. Keep going with that. Keep getting angry and then forgiving yourself. Rinse and repeat. You’ll get there.

I’m a “rip the bandage off” kind of person, one of those “jump straight in to the deep end” swimmers. So for me, when I take something back for myself, you bet your ass I’m taking it back full stop.

I live downtown, and it’s littered with places and spaces we laughed and loved. Maybe you can relate — that place where you first kissed, danced, held hands, felt like you were part of their world. You go through your day passing those places and see it all again, and your heart aches for the “good times” that you shared.

Life hack: Get some perspective and be present. Recognize those things for their moment in time and then remind yourself of all the hurt, betrayal, lies, name-calling, degradation, embarrassment, fighting, and everything else you endured. Scream if you have to.

Then go inside. This is YOUR space now.

Order a great meal, a nice wine. Laugh with the patrons. Get dressed up if you want to. Dress down if that’s better. It doesn’t matter. This is your space now. That monster has no control over what you do in it.

Stay as long as you want. Talk to whomever you please. Dance in the middle of the restaurant. Sing along with the regulars. Do whatever you want or need to do in that space — safely, of course — to make you feel human again. Do what you need to do to regain your autonomy, to feel like you’re allowed to live without looking over your shoulder, panicking when your phone goes off, or checking the door every time someone comes in.

Go back often. Go every night if you want to. Immerse yourself in those places. Make new people. Cry. Laugh. Process. It won’t take long for you to throw those doors open happily and be greeted by new people (or renewed people you weren’t allowed to have) and feel like yourself again.

3) Learn to trust yourself again.

This might be the hardest one, but it’s the most useful one. If you’ve been gaslighted, then your head is on sideways. You probably don’t trust yourself out in the world because you’ve been led to believe you’re incapable of understanding basic human interaction. You’ve likely been convinced that there’s something innately wrong with you that everyone but you can see, which prevents you from functioning in the world without supervision. You’ve been told you’re horrible at literally everything you do.

All this is bullshit.

I absolutely learned some things about myself during the time spent in my toxic relationship, but I learned them through attending therapy to survive that relationship, not through the scoldings I received from that monster. Taking his “teachings” to my professionally-licensed therapist helped me unpack just how messed up all that crap he fed me really was.

Of course he tried to gaslight me about her, too. He couldn’t keep his game going if I trusted her over him.

I highly recommend therapy if you struggle to navigate the world after a traumatic relationship. You’ll be able to safely express your concerns and fears and doubts about your choices with someone who can explain to you why you think and feel that way, what the brain science is behind it all, and what tools exist to overcome it.

This one takes time, but this is where all your emotional and mental energy deserves to be going. You deserve to feel safe, loved, happy, smart, capable, and independent.

Do this step alone. Work through this before you try and connect in another intimate relationship so that you can be whole again. If you can’t trust yourself, you’re going to look to someone you can give your power to so they’ll do it for you, and guess where that’s gonna land you? Take all the time you need here. You’re worth it.

So… action items:

• Learn to recognize the physiological response your body goes through when you doubt your ability to sort things. Do you panic? Does your heart race? Can you feel your face go red? Do you completely shut down? Start paying attention to your body. When you know you’re going through trauma-induced self-doubt, it’s a lot easier to take your head space back.
• Spend time alone. This one sucks if you’re a people person (or people pleaser) like I am. Promise you, though. Even if you’re out somewhere, just be in your own space and watch the world around you without immersing yourself in it. You’ve got to take a minute and get to know yourself again. That person got lost in that toxic mess. Take notes. What are people doing? How are they interacting? What do you think is (in)appropriate? Can you read the room? What do other people think of each other? Take time to relearn people through your own lens.
• Set reasonable goals. Think about what you’ve been through and where you want to go in whatever context that means to you. Make a real plan to accomplish your goals. It feels great to check off those boxes! The more you do that, the more capable you’ll realize you are.

4) Build an army.

You can go where you want to go without shame and stay as long as you want without fear. You’re learning to trust yourself to know what’s right and wrong again. You can use righteous anger to quell the nostalgic “what-ifs?” in your head. You’re even recognizing how none of it was ever what you thought it was in the first place… just lies, sadism, narcissism, ego, abuse. Even the good bits.

Next stop? Surround yourself with badasses.

On a whim, I hosted a girls night in at my place in April of 2019, and while small, that night started something. It brought together women of various ages, experiences, and backgrounds. We cooked food, laughed, shared stories, talked about things that matter in this world.

We decided to do it again in May. Even bigger. Even better. Friends are being made. Numbers are being swapped. Women are networking.

June’s turnout was amazing. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the ladies decided they wanted a way to stay connected easily. I built a Facebook group and invited them all to join. For months, it was just the women who were coming out to the gatherings, and then we realized that the group was turning into this empowering support system and we started inviting other girlfriends of ours to join.

Nearly two years later, there’s 293 women in that group from around the world. We could each add so many more, but we’re keeping it small. With the exception of about thirty or so, I know all of them personally. I know all of them would be there for me if I needed them.

Quality over Quantity

However you choose to surround yourself, big or small, digital or in person, go for quality. Choose people who genuinely make you feel good about yourself and remind you of your talents and value. Add people to your circle you can trust to level with you, call you out, let you cry. Throw in a few who can be the Thelma to your Louise if you need ’em.

And ultimately, trust yourself to know that you can build this army, that you aren’t a horrible judge of character despite hearing otherwise for so long. Over time, having these quality people in your life will help you learn to trust your judgment again, too, because they’ll be able to reassure you, willing to listen to your questioning of yourself, and able to provide you with examples of healthy behavior.

Good luck, fam. You got this. <3

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What are some things you still struggle with after getting out of a toxic, manipulative relationship? What suggestions do you have for others looking to heal? Please share with us in the comments.