Getting Out: Reclaiming Your Turf after Abuse

Reclaiming your favorite restaurants. That song you both loved. The gym where you worked out together. Your people. It can be more than your heart (and overthinking head) can take. Too bad you can’t hide in bed and avoid the ghosts of your once-happiness…

Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. And you’ve got bills to pay. Reclaiming your personal space after the end of an abusive relationship can be challenging, but it’s totally manageable. Reclaiming the rest of the world, however, might feel downright impossible.

Don’t be discouraged, though. Take a deep breath. Stop shaking. Unclench your jaw. (Your dentist is going to be pissed about that later, too.) Pull your shoulders out of your ears. Relax your eyebrows. Take another deep breath.

Good. Now let’s take this one thing at a time.

We’ve all got things that will set us off as we wander around our cities. When my narc dumped me the first time, I clung to the band we were in together because at least I still got to see him. I’d blown my life up for him and wasn’t ready to give in.

I actually got dumped about 4 hours before I had to set up for a gig and be the life-of-the-party because he found out I’d over-imbibed and kissed someone. Mind you, at this point, I’ve been legally single for months, and I’ve been trying to commit to a technically-married man who started this whole thing and who now was messing with my head and her head. Lord… what a mess.

Triangulation, for the win.

Weeks had gone by with me begging him for a few hours together — let’s just cook dinner at home — but he hadn’t spent any time with me in months. Most of those nights I spent on the phone with him being yelled at about how horrible a person I am, what a liar I am, and various other diatribes to my worthlessness. My final straw (that time) was Valentine’s Day 2017. I wanted a few hours that weekend, and I got told we didn’t have a love worth celebrating.

Aight. Thanks for the update. I’m going out with friends. Angry.

Granted, none of that makes my actions right, but it sure makes them understandable.

So I’m standing on a stage in rural Nowhereland, TN.

Every time I turn around to my drummer, I’m ready to completely collapse. His face tells me his heart hurts for me while also being completely uninterested in getting involved (rightfully). I’ve got to stand next to this monster and sing all the songs with him that helped me fall in love with him. I maybe got paid $100 for that gig that night. Maybe.

I deserved a damn Oscar.

Reclaim #1: Music

For me, reclaiming music meant two things. (Like what I did there, Leroy fans?) First, I had to figure out how to keep myself together through all the gigs we kept doing every weekend for the next few months. Then, I had to figure out how to get around in a world that plays music everywhere.

The band part was hard. Singing love songs with him was masochistic. I should have quit when he dumped me, but I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him and the band, too. But then I did.

A few months later, he quit the band because he said it had a “shelf life.” Come to find out, this was a total lie, but bygones. When he demolished the band, though, I just cut the radio off. Forget that nonsense. I was at least safe in my truck and in my house.

But our band was a cover band that played all the popular things from all the eras and genres, so you can imagine how often I heard our set list over some muzak somewhere.

That one was hard. It wasn’t like I could ask my grocery store to stop playing Uptown Funk. How was I supposed to go about reclaiming things I had NO control over???

For starters, get your friends on board. My people hated that I’d given him my love for music in addition to everything else, but they were supportive, never asking me to explain why I kept yelling “next!” to Alexa. And bless them — when I tried to start another band with new folks, they were all there for opening night. My heart wasn’t ready for that one yet.

Note to self: Don’t try to replace a thing with a thing. That’s not healing, that’s avoidance.

In the outside world, of course, there is no “next” feature. (But how awesome would that be?!) During the “relationship,” I used songs as a way to have some sort of emotional release around all the frustration and rejection. Believe it or not, doing that after the death of the thing helped tremendously, too.

If I was having a bad day and could trigger myself in private, then I could diffuse myself a little before getting out. There was something, too, about being in control of when and how songs hit me that was deeply satisfying. Highly recommended.

If you’re the type, you could also make your own playlist and just plug in when you can. That puts you in control, at least. Make a list of all the best angry goddess songs you can think of, slap in those ear buds, and sashay around empowered!

When I was out and subjected to something horrid, I would rewrite the lyrics to it in my head. Goofy things that made me laugh. Or lyrics about what a sadist he was. I actually started to find some strength in my “singleness,” which wasn’t really a tangible thing since we were still all up in each other’s DMs.

Oh — be careful there, by the way. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, the only way to win is not to play. As soon as they see you doing better, if you’re still hanging on to them in any way, offering them any of your power, it’s going to bite you in the ass. They’re going to come back into your life with even greater force… like mine did. Just as I was getting my life back together, guess who’s knocking at my door, almost quite literally?

And guess whose stupid self took him back?

So, after another round of playing music together as an acoustic act, dating again, spending every night together for months, and trading house keys, he blew it all up for another attempt at getting back with the still-wife, so I learned much later. Always the victim, he told me it was something I’d done. Can’t even remember what now. We did this on and off so many times that I forget which excuse he gave me for which breakup. Pathetic.

After that second go-round, though, music was never the same. We maybe played together one more time at a gig that he’d booked himself as a solo act, but otherwise, I was no longer a performer, per his order.

I’d been listening to talk radio in the truck because he’d turned me on to it. Stopped doing that. Turned off the radio altogether again, actually. Quit singing around the house.

Started asking Alexa to play every single song that I could think of that’d rip my heart out. Started rewriting lyrics in Walgreens again.

The story just gets more and more ridiculous so I’mma just not, but for the purposes of making it through the convenience store, I hope that helps a little. Eventually, the music comes back without the sting. There’s no greater feeling than hearing Little Big Town sing Better Man or P!nk duet with Chris Stapleton and having no emotion around the thing anymore.

Apathy is liberating.

Reclaim #2: Places

This might actually be harder than reclaiming music, depending on who you are as a person. If you’re lucky enough to be one of those folks who doesn’t connect people to things, then know you are so very envied by those of us who can’t help it.

I had two major things I had to face. While these are specific to my situation, the reclaim suggestions are pretty universal to all spots, I think.

The Gym

My narc-ex and I used to go to the gym together and work out. We’d meet after work most days. It was kind of a happy place for us. At some point, in one of the many times he dumped me but not really, I was disinvited to join him. Granted, I could have gone as it’s a public space and all, but no one wants to see a rejected girl crying over free weights.

So I quit working out at first. Stupid, I know. But I didn’t know what else to do in the moment. I didn’t handle this one so well, but I’ve also realized that while I enjoy working out, I was going to the gym just to spend time with him, which was pretty desperate and a whole other thing to deal with in therapy.

I’ve since started milling around at home, but my routine has never recovered. I don’t advise abandoning exercising since it’s healthy in so many ways. Instead, change it up. Go to a different gym if that’s your preference. Work out at home instead. Take long walks. Pick up a new sport or hobby. Connect with people engaged in the things you’re into or interested in getting into. Keep moving. Your body will thank you. So will your mind.

Restaurants and Hangouts

Restaurants were hard. When I moved downtown, I did it during that first break-up he put me through, and I picked it largely because it was self-torture, my preferred healing method. We were going to do this space together once, he’d said. And we had been hanging out downtown for months, bouncing around all the little bars and dives and rooftops. Everything had his laugh on it. I figured the best way to get over all that was just to jump face first into the deep end.

Reclaiming those spaces was trickier than if I’d have lived in the ‘burbs. There weren’t walkable alternatives, really, because we’d been to everything. I was determined not to feel beaten by the demise of my situationship with him, though.

To make those places mine, even when I’d see him in them, I started going out more often, which was two-fold because I didn’t want to be at my apartment, either. Granted, this wasn’t a great thing for my blood alcohol level or my checking account, but it made me face it. I’d let him take everything from me, and I was going to get it back however the hell I had to. He was not gonna win, and it’s amazing what you can face head-on when you get in that mindset.

It worked a lot faster than you’d think, too.

Go out to those places and immerse yourself in them as often as you can. Sit in different seats every time to see them from new vantage points and rewrite them in your head. If you’re the type, talk to the staff and other patrons. Make new stories in these spaces that don’t include your narcissist abuser. Eventually, they’re the only stories you have.

And if your situation is anything like mine was, those people will help you see that you’re not the horrible “piece of shit” that he tried to convince you you are. Speaking of people, that can be the hard one.

Reclaim #3: Mutual People

Reclaiming people isn’t actually a thing. This one’s not just up to you, so don’t stress it if you “lose” some folks in the breakup. The good ones stay. Most people don’t actually care what happened. They just don’t want to be dragged through your nonsense or “forced” to choose between you and your ex. We’re grown. This isn’t high school. Don’t ask people to do that, if you feel inclined. Honestly, if you find yourself wishing that people would choose, then there’s a bigger problem you need to sort through.

It’s understandable that you might want people to see your ex for the horrible monster s/he was to you, but it doesn’t actually matter. Besides, you’d be amazed at what time will do for you without you even trying.

There are people who know both my ex and me downtown, and when it all fell apart, I just sat back and let them sort themselves. Many times, folks didn’t know how to act around me if they were more “his” friend. I just gave them space and they learned, through my behavior, that I wasn’t going to be a complete spazz about it. It made them loosen up around me, and over time, everyone still speaks to me and there’s no weirdness between any of us.

Most mutual people are going to be that way if you don’t force them to choose, and you can go about your life peacefully. Obviously, there are people who know both of you who are very much Team You or Team Monster, and that’s okay, too.

If Team Monster gets some new players, let them claim that jersey.

It might not feel good up front, but it’s way better than trying to force someone to stay in your life who doesn’t care enough to be there. (That’s also impossible, by the way.)

And while you might want to vent to these people because they know you both, avoid that, please. You’re going to talk yourself into circles and the people you’re trying to elicit a response from aren’t usually qualified to help you sort your head space. Also, they will absolutely get tired of hearing about it over time, no matter how much they love you. Find a pro, if you don’t already have one.

Whatever you do, remember that you are in control of only one thing in this world: your reactions. You can walk into a favorite hangout and see all the good things that once were, and you can choose to be sad and in your limerence over a thing, or you can choose to move on, whatever that looks like for you. It’s an active process. You will constantly need to check in with yourself mentally and emotionally. You can absolutely do it, though. I’m proud of you for looking for ways to get started.

Have an experience to share or suggestions for reclaiming your world after a miserable breakup? Please share them with us in the comments.