Day 9: Dear Future Husband

Blogging challenge: Write an encouraging letter to your parents, spouse, or children.

Challenge indeed.

Not married. No kids. Don’t really wanna delve into the parent thing. Funny how a topic that seems so simple and innocent is going to be the one that gives me the hardest time.

I have no plans to birth things, so there’s no writing an encouraging letter to that future teenage daughter whose heart’s just been broken for the first time. I’d very much suck at this conversation anyway. Best I’ve got is “Get used to it, kid.” Maybe not the best route.

As far as my folks, well…

Spouse? Negative. While I’ve had a few of those at this point, I haven’t found my “happily ever after.” Since then, I’ve learned a lot about myself, so I think I could find some encouragement for the man of my future, if he’s out there.

So, here’s to him. Cheers.

Dear Future Husband,

Thank you for even being here. I gave up on thinking I’d find you. And I never thought you’d want me, seeing all the damage from before you. Who could love something so broken?

The past few years haven’t been easy. And I was skeptical that unconditional love, let alone finding it, was even possible. People kept offering it, and then they kept taking it away.

Ask them, and I’ve deserved that for my crimes. But I want to tell you, no matter what you’ve heard, I’m not a monster. They all found me sick and broken. Especially the last one, my everything.

But I found him that way, too, though. He blamed me for much of his suffering, and I blamed his situation for mine. Neither of us knew the growth we needed. But yet, we loved. We loved so fiercely.

Until he just didn’t.

It was my fault, he said. My crimes were too heinous.

I’ve never felt more unlovable.

So, future husband, as you walk beside me in this life, know that I’m a work in progress. But I promise you, there will always be progress.

And while I might overthink and overshare, I also overlove and overbelieve. I promise this works out for you, but please be the man who doesn’t take advantage of my big love, who actually understands it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, even at my own expense. Be gentle, please.

You’re strong. You have to be because I’m difficult sometimes. You’re going to be, too, so be fair. I’ve seen the world a very different way for a very long time, and that’s going to frustrate you.

You’re not going to understand completely, even when I explain it to you, even when you think you do. I don’t mean to drive you mad, so be patient with me. Empathize and try to see through my warped lens. I’d never intentionally hurt you. I promise if I do, you’ll never know someone in more pain for doing so.

Share your time with me and you’ll see I’m loyal to a fault. I’ll help you see the best version of yourself, and I’ll love you through the growing pains that get you to him, if you’ll let me.

You see, sweet man, I don’t want to do this life alone, but I know now that I can. I want you so badly it hurts, it feels like need, and that comes off desperate sometimes. While I’m passionate and I’ll fight this whole world for you without flinching, I’m also tired, and I just want the one thing I’ve never had before:

Consistency.

I don’t need you — I wouldn’t put that weight on you — but God knows I want you more than anything. You’re my best friend. Walk through the darkness and the light with me and I will do that with you. I promise you that you’ll never know a woman willing to work so hard to be the best version of herself, willing to support your growth, willing to hold space for you when you need time.

There’s no greater joy than falling asleep on your chest, your heartbeat on my cheek, and waking up to your gentle smile and sleepy eyes. Let’s lie there so long my face sweats and your arm goes numb. I’m simple. Wrap me in your arms and don’t let go.

Home.

Featured Photo by Valentin Antonucci from Pexels