Day 14: Proud

“Write about what you are most proud of in your life right now.”

Proud? Oi.

The Struggle Bus

So I’ve been struggling with the blogging challenge the past few days. Day 10 was to share a favorite soup recipe, but I don’t use recipes. Best I can tell you is go to Bardog and get the soup of the day because they’re all amazing. #LobsterBisque

Day 11 was to share a story post about my favorite thing I did last summer. When I read that, I laughed. I spent last summer learning (read “struggling like hell”) to appreciate the quiet. That was agonizing.

On day 12, it was to write about my must-have blogging tools/apps/plugins. Good topic, but I don’t have a clue. Add that to the list of things to research.

And then for day 13, it was to write or share a poem about winter. Total writer’s block. But I was too scared to Google for poems because winter is miserable and usually serves as a metaphor for all the suck in life. Debbie Downer for sure. No thanks.

So yeah… Write about what you are most proud of in your life right now.

Deep breath.

Because, you see, I’m not proud of many things in my life. Like anyone, I’d guess, I’ve done things and said things in my unhealthier days and moments that I wished I hadn’t. It breaks my heart to think of the people I’ve hurt just for not knowing any better.

I’ve been so misunderstood and have misunderstood others so much myself that I’ve lost track. I wish I could clearly communicate just how hard it can be to reprogram 30+ years of stuff in your head. Or how frustrating it is when you’re working so hard and then find a new thing you didn’t realize you’ve got to deal with. Exhausting.

Hard to fight that fight when the one person outside of yourself you really want to fight it for doesn’t seem to believe you’re capable of succeeding and criticizes your methods and progress. And then you’re begging them to have faith in you. Partly because they should. Partly because you need them to so that you can have faith in yourself.

I’m not proud that I’ve treated my body like a garbage can. Eating crap. Not eating at all. Cigarettes. Drinking too much. Chasing human garbage and hoping it’d care about me.

I’ve loved so damn hard without feeling like I’d ever get that in return because I wasn’t. And yet, here I am. Still loving. Still trying. Still begging. Proud moment indeed.

I’ve hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I know the whole self love thing leads to more love coming into your life, the right love coming into your life, so here’s to having goals I guess? I don’t even know anymore.

Last year was probably the hardest one to date, and I just really need 2019 to come off it some and it doesn’t look like that’s going to be a thing any time soon. I need to get some sleep at night.

I could use a hug.

So how do you cut through the noise when you’re just feeling so down on yourself all the time? It seems like everything I hear is just another reason why I’m a failure. Or a monster. But I’m neither of those.

Perhaps the greatest accomplishment of 2018 for me was to learn how to forgive myself. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. I’ll make more. The point is to try really hard not to and learn when you stumble. So I guess that’s what I’m most proud of — knowing who I am and who I’m becoming, no matter what someone else wrongly thinks.

Do you have a proud 2018 moment to celebrate? Share your stories below!